Forgiving the unforgivable
Forgiving the unforgivable
Let me tell you about my ex...
Before we get started, you’ll have to forgive me this week for not having time to write a fresh post. What follows is one of my all-time favourite pieces that I’ve written, and which I’ve updated slightly for you (because 2010 was a million years ago, and it was written for a now-defunct women’s magazine — RIP — and we all know print didn’t have endless space for 3am musings.) I hope you enjoy.
Let me tell you about my ex. The fucking fucked-up fucker is an emotionally stunted, self-absorbed asshole whose looks are diminishing as rapidly as his intellect.
At least that’s what I used to think of him.
That and many other insults that included lots of creative ways I could use profanities as nouns, verbs and adjectives.
I held onto the hurt as if it were an integral part of who I was. It was exhausting. After years of being angry, I had to let it go. And I can finally see his side. Let’s be realistic, he probably had his own version of the above verbal barrage aimed at me, similarly unflattering.
I don’t blame him for what happened between us and I’m grateful for the time that we had. He’s no longer that fucking fucked up fucker. Now, he’s just a guy I used to love.
You’ve probably been in a similar position where you’ve felt like someone has done the unforgivable. It could be a former partner who ripped your heart out, an old friend who ghosted you, or a parent who made you feel insignificant. The event could be something trivial or something completely horrendous.
Now, before you read on, nobody is saying that it’s your responsibility to let them off the hook. (Being forced to forgive only makes it worse.) This is for those who are curious about letting go.
What forgiveness is and what it isn’t
Marina Cantacuzino knows all about, what she calls, the much-debated “F word”. The founder and director of The Forgiveness Project has collected stories from people around the world who have forgiven the seemingly unforgivable.
There’s the woman from London who forgave the man who broke into her house and repeatedly raped her, while her two-year-old daughter was in the next room.
In South Africa, a mother established a foundation with the man who was responsible for a massacre that took her daughter’s life, in order to help further conciliation in the precarious country.
In the US, there’s the man who forgave the white supremacist who stormed into a Sikh Temple during a Sunday service and shot dead his father, and five others, while his mother hid in a closet. He has since founded an organisation to bring young people of different religions and backgrounds together.
Shocking? Yes.
Inspiring? Some people would agree while others would think it’s insane.
“If someone’s unable to say sorry or show remorse about something, then people get angry about the notion of forgiveness. ‘How can you let him get away with it? You’re condoning the action. You’re excusing them. You’re weak’,” says Cantacuzino.
“Others think forgiveness is some magical key to serenity. They believe it’s a cure or that it’s easy or that it belongs to Christianity.
“My own feeling about forgiveness is that it’s none of those things. It’s difficult, painful and costly. However, it’s potentially transformative and it liberates you from the grip of the perpetrator, from the memory of the event, or from that thing that keeps you stuck.”
Even though my own saga with my ex felt life-altering at the time (wasn’t everything in your 20s?), it pails in comparison to what these people experienced. So I wanted to know, how did these people forgive the offenders of these truly atrocious acts, and what can we learn from their heart-breaking stories?
Cantacuzino shares what she has learnt from those who have forgiven the seemingly unforgivable.
Forgiveness takes time … if it ever comes at all
The Forgiveness Project includes stories of people who are still going through this process, like the wife of a man who was murdered by militant Islamic fundamentalists, who thinks that forgiveness is a “lame” response to such a crime.
“We included stories like that because forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. I wanted to show that some people don’t get there,” Cantacuzino says.
So, if you aren’t ready to forgive someone, don’t beat yourself up over it. That time will come organically. If ever.
Forgiveness means giving yourself the space to feel first
Suppressing your emotions will keep you stuck. You need to feel your emotions before you can let go and even contemplate forgiving someone. Don’t judge your emotions – allow them to flow.
“It’s a little like the process of grieving. It starts as trauma, anger and despair, then, at some point, something will shift,” Cantacuzino says.
Talking with a friend or a psychologist can help. Journalling is also a good option. After a lifetime of written journalling, I’ve recently started audio journalling (hi, it’s 2023 Lizza speaking here), and I’m a huge fan. Vocalising what I’m experiencing feels like it instantly takes the fire out of my emotions.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning an act, but seeing it through the lens of another person’s lived experience
“This can happen in many ways. It could be that you talk to the perpetrator, or that you’re simply worn out by the pain and the memories, and make a conscious decision to do something different because what you’re doing isn’t working. At this point, people are able to look at why somebody did what they did.”
Cantacuzino adds, “Not to say that you ever condone the act, however, the person [who committed the act] regains humanity and that’s a crucial element.”
One writing exercise that experts recommend is to contemplate an event from three different points of view. First, write about the event from your perspective, then the other person’s, and then from an outsider’s. You could even burn the piece of paper afterwards as a symbolic gesture that you’ve released the event.
PS Even though it’s been 13 years since I wrote this article for Cleo mag (RIP), The Forgiveness Project still exists and Cantacuzino is still collecting stories and exploring the messy topic. She released a book last year if you’re interested in delving deeper.
Thank you again for joining me in this 3am Huddle.
Until next week.
Lizza x
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash